Bouncy or coffy, it’s all the same at the bottom of the river.

The Gloom has been upon me these last few weeks, rendering me incapable of writing anything but lists of Things That Annoy Me (No. 1: “Impact” as a verb). My wellbeing has been further upset by a sudden welter of small but annoying ailments: my winter cough, a sore wrist, a gammy knee, my usual sense of general inadequacy and an eye infection that has kept me exiled from the computer to avoid any strain. Poor, miserable, Eeyore-me. However the gloomy weather has started in earnest and I can now wallow in my disgruntledness to my heart’s content.

I recently heard an interview with Mark Latham (a politician and possible – likely? – next Prime Minister, for the benefit of non-Australian readers), in which he channelled the spirit of my late grandmother and told her favourite joke. Asked what he thought of someone calling him some unpleasant name, he answered, “I don’t care, as long as they don’t call me late for dinner.” How often did I hear that as a child?

“I’ll call you when I want to be picked up.”
“As long as you don’t call me late for dinner!”

Other favourite sayings of my grandmother that I haven’t heard in a long time:

• On being ignored by a friend in public: “Look at her with her head in the air like a snake.” This was usually said with some venom (ahem), but I’ve just realised my mother says it too, with amusement.


• On being asked what she was doing or what something was: “(I’m making) a wingwong for a goose’s bridle.”


• On seeing someone (usually my grandfather) get up early and come into her kitchen still bleary-eyed and half-asleep: “Look out, here comes creeping Jesus.” That would be a great name for an alt-country band.