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todayiamadaisyI did not know I needed Super Mario Bros, the 8-bit opera. And yet I did. That made my day.
If you were interested in a story about a wall, particularly one that was painted... blue, well, my friends, The Blue Wall is not the story for you. If, on the other hand, you wanted a cracking tale full of rampant implausibility, why then, it's just the ticket. I finished it last night. After being beaten about the head, so to speak, with the... blue wall in the early chapters, it's rarely mentioned again. Once when the doctor goes to visit the sick girl and finds that her nurse has finally fixed the menace of the... blue wall by (wait for it) filtering the light shade so the wall is now pink (!), and again at the end when the doctor and the nurse attempt to explain the non-existent menace of the... blue wall.
I don't want you to think I didn't enjoy The Blue Wall. I did. You can get your own copy to share the enjoyment here. (I notice that page lists the book's title as The Blue Wall: A story of strangeness and struggle, which... yes. That's one way to put it.) Of course, if you just want to experience it vicariously, then read on for the internet's only synopsis of this magnificent piece of literature:
Part I: The doctor's tale
Old Dr McMechem MYSTERIOUSLY dies when his horse is MYSTERIOUSLY spooked on the street. (Well, I suppose it's no mystery why he dies. Head trauma will do that.) His practice is taken over by an unnamed doctor, who is the main narrator of the story. He is summoned to the Marbury house, where the family's young daughter is seriously ill of meningitis, either from an ear infection or from some untreated head trauma. (Are either of those how people get meningitis?) Young Virginia keeps staring MYSTERIOUSLY at the... blue wall near her bed, and the doctor can't help but feel that her illness is somehow connected to it. He mentions the... blue wall to her nurse and her father and they both seem startled, as if they too are baffled by the MYSTERIOUS... blue wall. Finally, he goes next door to the Estabrook house find out what's on the other side of the... blue wall. He meets the housekeeper, an elderly lady who looks MYSTERIOUSLY like a deceptive nun (!). She too acts cagey when asked about the... blue wall. He walks away, realising he is being MYSTERIOUSLY followed. He grapples with his pursuer, who turns out to be Mr Estabrook, who thought the doctor had been summoned to his house and wanted to know why.
Part II: The husband's tale
Mr Estabrook takes over the narration. He is a young lawyer. Some seven or eight years previously, he had to get some papers signed by Judge Colfax, and in doing so, met the judge's daughter, Julianna. The Judge invites him home for a bracing game of chess. On the way, they stop at a waxwork museum and play a game of chess against an automaton, which MYSTERIOUSLY defeats young Mr Estabrook before laughing in a MYSTERIOUS and SINISTER fashion. They then go to the Colfax house, where Mr Estabrook is introduced to the family's MYSTERIOUS housekeeper. Before they can begin their game, the judge is called out, so Estabrook and Julianna play instead. She asks if he would mind closing the curtains; while doing so, he sees the judge has crept round to the back door to meet MYSTERIOUSLY with the housekeeper. He overhears them discussing that he might be the One, and whether they should they tell him and Julianna about the MYSTERIOUS curse that is upon her. They decide not to.
He takes Julianna to see the chess-playing automaton, which she defeats and it winks at her in a MYSTERIOUS and SINISTER fashion. Her dog cowers MYSTERIOUSLY before this MYSTERIOUS and SINISTER creation. He goes to see the automaton by himself and it writes him a MYSTERIOUS note, warning him MYSTERIOUSLY to stay away from the judge and his daughter. He finds that the automaton's note is written, MYSTERIOUSLY, in Julianna's handwriting.
The judge shows him a MYSTERIOUS envelope, in which is written the secret of the MYSTERIOUS curse on Julianna. Estabrook says he doesn't want to see it. The judge dies, MYSTERIOUSLY. The dog cowers, MYSTERIOUSLY. Julianna opens the envelope and reads it and is promptly overcome by the knowledge of her MYSTERIOUS curse. She makes Estabrook promise never to ask about it.
He marries her anyway.
They are happy together, because she is as beautiful and clever as she is MYSTERIOUS, although she is sometimes MYSTERIOUSLY quiet when she thinks about her MYSTERIOUS curse. She breaks her arm, MYSTERIOUSLY, and a few months later, MYSTERIOUSLY sacks all the servants except the MYSTERIOUS housekeeper, and tells her husband to leave the house for three weeks.
Estabrook and the doctor kidnap the MYSTERIOUS housekeeper and force her to tell them what's going on.
Part III: The housekeeper's tale
The housekeeper tells them that she hasn't always been a MYSTERIOUS housekeeper. In her youth, she travelled Europe as a faith healer and con artist. In Venice, she fell in love with a drunk American called Morty Cranch*, and has loved him ever since, even though she only met him the once and he was drunk.
Back in the US, her faith healing fell on hard times, so she got a job as housekeeper to the judge and his sweet-natured but ugly wife. Julianna was born; the wife died.
An actress was murdered in the house next door. Her husband, a man called John Chalmers, confessed. The judge was responsible for the trial, at which the husband was found not guilty, even though he did it. Afterwards, John Chalmers came round to the judge's house and left his baby daughter, Mary, in the judge's care. The housekeeper was SHOCKED to discover that the murderous Mr Chalmers was her true love, Morty Cranch*.
The Colfax house caught fire that night. Firemen saved the judge, the housekeeper and baby Julianna, not knowing that baby Mary was also in the house. In the light of day, the housekeeper and the judge realise that Julianna died in the fire. They raise baby Mary in her place. Such is the MYSTERIOUS curse on Julianna: she isn't the daughter of a respectable judge and a sweet-natured but ugly woman. No, she is the daughter of a cheap stage actress and a murderer called Morty Cranch*. The housekeeper thinks that knowing this has sent poor Julianna mad. MAD.
The doctor puts two and two together and realises that Morty Cranch* is actually playing chess as the waxwork automaton. That's why the automaton's handwriting looked so much like Julianna's.
No, I don't know either.
Part IV: Morty Cranch's tale*
Morty Cranch* is really Mortimer Cranch**, the scion of a family of rich ne'er-do-wells. He was a refined young gentlement until he reached adulthood, when the Cranch genes kicked in and he turned dissolute. As happens. He travelled the continent, where he met a young faith healer and travelled with her for quite some time, until she left him. He then married a young actress who also worked as a waitress, telling her his name was John Chalmers. They had a daughter. He realised that as the Cranch genes had destroyed him, so they would destroy her, so he had to kill her. He realised, though, that his wife would be upset by this, so he killed her first. Obviously. Only then he couldn't go through with killing the baby, so he left her with the judge.
After a while, he decided he wanted to see what she looked like, and has followed her ever since, settling down and taking a job as the man behind the chess-playing automaton.
And the dog used to be his, which is why it keeps cowering when he's around.
He asks that the doctor and Mr Estabrook remember him to the housekeeper.
Part V: Julianna's tale
Julianna sends a letter to her husband, explaining what she's been up to. Ever since finding out the terrible secret that lurks in her blood, she has been waiting for signs of EVIL to appear in her behaviour. When she fell off her horse and broke her arm, her EVIL nature became apparent and she became addicted to opiates, buying them in bulk from a man with gold-coloured teeth. Eventually she decided to go cold turkey, forcing everyone out of the house so no-one would know her TERRIBLE SHAME.
But she's all better now, so he can come home again.
Part VI: The doctor's tale
The housekeeper ran off with Morty Cranch*, leaving a note saying, actually, Julianna really is Julianna; she just told the judge it was the wrong baby because she was planning to blackmail him. But she didn't.
Also, young Virginia Marbury got better from her meningitis, which had nothing at all to do with the... blue wall. The end.
* MORTY CRANCH!
** MORTIMER CRANCH!
If you were interested in a story about a wall, particularly one that was painted... blue, well, my friends, The Blue Wall is not the story for you. If, on the other hand, you wanted a cracking tale full of rampant implausibility, why then, it's just the ticket. I finished it last night. After being beaten about the head, so to speak, with the... blue wall in the early chapters, it's rarely mentioned again. Once when the doctor goes to visit the sick girl and finds that her nurse has finally fixed the menace of the... blue wall by (wait for it) filtering the light shade so the wall is now pink (!), and again at the end when the doctor and the nurse attempt to explain the non-existent menace of the... blue wall.
I don't want you to think I didn't enjoy The Blue Wall. I did. You can get your own copy to share the enjoyment here. (I notice that page lists the book's title as The Blue Wall: A story of strangeness and struggle, which... yes. That's one way to put it.) Of course, if you just want to experience it vicariously, then read on for the internet's only synopsis of this magnificent piece of literature:
Part I: The doctor's tale
Old Dr McMechem MYSTERIOUSLY dies when his horse is MYSTERIOUSLY spooked on the street. (Well, I suppose it's no mystery why he dies. Head trauma will do that.) His practice is taken over by an unnamed doctor, who is the main narrator of the story. He is summoned to the Marbury house, where the family's young daughter is seriously ill of meningitis, either from an ear infection or from some untreated head trauma. (Are either of those how people get meningitis?) Young Virginia keeps staring MYSTERIOUSLY at the... blue wall near her bed, and the doctor can't help but feel that her illness is somehow connected to it. He mentions the... blue wall to her nurse and her father and they both seem startled, as if they too are baffled by the MYSTERIOUS... blue wall. Finally, he goes next door to the Estabrook house find out what's on the other side of the... blue wall. He meets the housekeeper, an elderly lady who looks MYSTERIOUSLY like a deceptive nun (!). She too acts cagey when asked about the... blue wall. He walks away, realising he is being MYSTERIOUSLY followed. He grapples with his pursuer, who turns out to be Mr Estabrook, who thought the doctor had been summoned to his house and wanted to know why.
Part II: The husband's tale
Mr Estabrook takes over the narration. He is a young lawyer. Some seven or eight years previously, he had to get some papers signed by Judge Colfax, and in doing so, met the judge's daughter, Julianna. The Judge invites him home for a bracing game of chess. On the way, they stop at a waxwork museum and play a game of chess against an automaton, which MYSTERIOUSLY defeats young Mr Estabrook before laughing in a MYSTERIOUS and SINISTER fashion. They then go to the Colfax house, where Mr Estabrook is introduced to the family's MYSTERIOUS housekeeper. Before they can begin their game, the judge is called out, so Estabrook and Julianna play instead. She asks if he would mind closing the curtains; while doing so, he sees the judge has crept round to the back door to meet MYSTERIOUSLY with the housekeeper. He overhears them discussing that he might be the One, and whether they should they tell him and Julianna about the MYSTERIOUS curse that is upon her. They decide not to.
He takes Julianna to see the chess-playing automaton, which she defeats and it winks at her in a MYSTERIOUS and SINISTER fashion. Her dog cowers MYSTERIOUSLY before this MYSTERIOUS and SINISTER creation. He goes to see the automaton by himself and it writes him a MYSTERIOUS note, warning him MYSTERIOUSLY to stay away from the judge and his daughter. He finds that the automaton's note is written, MYSTERIOUSLY, in Julianna's handwriting.
The judge shows him a MYSTERIOUS envelope, in which is written the secret of the MYSTERIOUS curse on Julianna. Estabrook says he doesn't want to see it. The judge dies, MYSTERIOUSLY. The dog cowers, MYSTERIOUSLY. Julianna opens the envelope and reads it and is promptly overcome by the knowledge of her MYSTERIOUS curse. She makes Estabrook promise never to ask about it.
He marries her anyway.
They are happy together, because she is as beautiful and clever as she is MYSTERIOUS, although she is sometimes MYSTERIOUSLY quiet when she thinks about her MYSTERIOUS curse. She breaks her arm, MYSTERIOUSLY, and a few months later, MYSTERIOUSLY sacks all the servants except the MYSTERIOUS housekeeper, and tells her husband to leave the house for three weeks.
Estabrook and the doctor kidnap the MYSTERIOUS housekeeper and force her to tell them what's going on.
Part III: The housekeeper's tale
The housekeeper tells them that she hasn't always been a MYSTERIOUS housekeeper. In her youth, she travelled Europe as a faith healer and con artist. In Venice, she fell in love with a drunk American called Morty Cranch*, and has loved him ever since, even though she only met him the once and he was drunk.
Back in the US, her faith healing fell on hard times, so she got a job as housekeeper to the judge and his sweet-natured but ugly wife. Julianna was born; the wife died.
An actress was murdered in the house next door. Her husband, a man called John Chalmers, confessed. The judge was responsible for the trial, at which the husband was found not guilty, even though he did it. Afterwards, John Chalmers came round to the judge's house and left his baby daughter, Mary, in the judge's care. The housekeeper was SHOCKED to discover that the murderous Mr Chalmers was her true love, Morty Cranch*.
The Colfax house caught fire that night. Firemen saved the judge, the housekeeper and baby Julianna, not knowing that baby Mary was also in the house. In the light of day, the housekeeper and the judge realise that Julianna died in the fire. They raise baby Mary in her place. Such is the MYSTERIOUS curse on Julianna: she isn't the daughter of a respectable judge and a sweet-natured but ugly woman. No, she is the daughter of a cheap stage actress and a murderer called Morty Cranch*. The housekeeper thinks that knowing this has sent poor Julianna mad. MAD.
The doctor puts two and two together and realises that Morty Cranch* is actually playing chess as the waxwork automaton. That's why the automaton's handwriting looked so much like Julianna's.
No, I don't know either.
Part IV: Morty Cranch's tale*
Morty Cranch* is really Mortimer Cranch**, the scion of a family of rich ne'er-do-wells. He was a refined young gentlement until he reached adulthood, when the Cranch genes kicked in and he turned dissolute. As happens. He travelled the continent, where he met a young faith healer and travelled with her for quite some time, until she left him. He then married a young actress who also worked as a waitress, telling her his name was John Chalmers. They had a daughter. He realised that as the Cranch genes had destroyed him, so they would destroy her, so he had to kill her. He realised, though, that his wife would be upset by this, so he killed her first. Obviously. Only then he couldn't go through with killing the baby, so he left her with the judge.
After a while, he decided he wanted to see what she looked like, and has followed her ever since, settling down and taking a job as the man behind the chess-playing automaton.
And the dog used to be his, which is why it keeps cowering when he's around.
He asks that the doctor and Mr Estabrook remember him to the housekeeper.
Part V: Julianna's tale
Julianna sends a letter to her husband, explaining what she's been up to. Ever since finding out the terrible secret that lurks in her blood, she has been waiting for signs of EVIL to appear in her behaviour. When she fell off her horse and broke her arm, her EVIL nature became apparent and she became addicted to opiates, buying them in bulk from a man with gold-coloured teeth. Eventually she decided to go cold turkey, forcing everyone out of the house so no-one would know her TERRIBLE SHAME.
But she's all better now, so he can come home again.
Part VI: The doctor's tale
The housekeeper ran off with Morty Cranch*, leaving a note saying, actually, Julianna really is Julianna; she just told the judge it was the wrong baby because she was planning to blackmail him. But she didn't.
Also, young Virginia Marbury got better from her meningitis, which had nothing at all to do with the... blue wall. The end.
* MORTY CRANCH!
** MORTIMER CRANCH!