The Chieftain Without a Heart (redux)
Oct. 21st, 2013 07:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
todayiamadaisyThe fence across the road now has Warning: Golf Balls!!!! and Watch Out For Flying Golf Balls!!!! signs on it. (I suspect the children of the house made them rather than their renovating parents, if only because they were finished so quickly.) I saw Brian Next Door in his front garden and he said he did indeed find a fifth golf ball on his roof. 'I picked it up with gloves on,' he said, 'and it's in a ziploc bag, in case the police want to fingerprint it.' I kept a straight face, f-list, but, oh, I laughed later. The City by the Sea isn't exactly a hotbed of crime, but I'm fairly sure our police have got better things to do than fingerprint golf balls. Given that it's been over twenty-four hours since the last golf ball landing, I think the Golf Ball Mystery has petered out.
Possibly because the culprits have run out of golf balls.
In other news, I have two weeks off, and after reading all that Serious Literature for the Booker Prize nominations, I thought I would follow it up with something special.
The Chieftain Without a Heart by Dame Barbara Cartland
The watch list
Orphaned heroine with unusual name: Clola Kilcraig. She's not an orphan, although she is motherless.
Who — speaks with — Shatner-esque pauses: Yes. She even manages to put a pause in Thank — You.
Who lives with her titled uncle: No, it's her father, William Kilcraig, The Kilcraig of Clan Kilcraig.
And his unsympathetic wife: No, but her older brother's wife isn't very nice.
Absurdly named hero with aristocratic title: Taran McNarn, Duke of Strathnarn, Marquis of Narn and Chieftain of Clan McNarn.
Female friends of heroine: None. Clola is apparently the only young woman in all of Scotland. She has male friends, though, being close to her brother, Hamish, and to both Taran's nephews.
Male friends of hero who seem more pleasant than he does:Three, and one of them is King George IV.
Hero and heroine united in shared love of a dog: No, it's the Scottish Highlands this time.
Act of vengeance by a bitter former servant: It's a bitter current servant: Clola's maid, Mrs Forse, attempts to poison Clola, as some sort of anti-English plot (given that Clola is not English, this seems particularly poorly thought out on Mrs Forse's part).
Heroine requires rescue from: Being poisoned and forced to jump off a high tower. This rescue is not carried out by the hero, though. Also, Clola herself rescues someone who has been kidnapped and trapped in a completely different tower.
Duels fought: None, even though Clola's father, the Kilcraig, is described as preferring a Claymore to a serious argument.
Book ends with one of the pair recovering in bed: Clola, after the poisoning and jumping.
What the heroine believes the hero's lips give her when they kiss at the end: His lips held her captive and he kissed her until the room seemed to whirl around them and The Castle itself dissolved into the sunlit sky. Like the music that had carried Clola on angels' wings into the sky, she felt that the Duke was carrying her still higher into the heart of the spheres carrying her into a glory and a wonder that was so indescribable that she knew there were no words but only the singing of the stars.'
Diamond-studded snuff boxes mentioned: None.
Never mind these modern novels with multiple view points. Sure, they win awards, but they are so old hat. Dame Barbara Cartland was doing that back in the 1970s. Not very well, admittedly, but she tried. So it is with The Chieftain Without a Heart, which is the thrilling story of a chieftain who doesn't have a heart and the woman who captures the heart he doesn't have. We get to hear both their points of view, which is... kind of weird and unsatisfying.
The story begins with Taran McNarn, Duke of Strathnarn, Marquis of Narn and, unbeknownst to his friends in London, Chieftain of Clan McNarn. Taran ran away from his family's castle in the Highlands when he was sixteen, after a disagreement with his father. He has lived among the sassenachs ever since, and has taken on the attitude of his friends, believing his fellow Scots to be uncivilised barbarians. He was unmoved when his father died and he inherited all those titles. In fact, he planned never to go north again, only to have his plans thwarted by two things. First, George IV decides to go to Edinburgh to meet his people, and wants Taran to go with him. Second, he gets a letter saying that Torquil McNarn, his nephew and heir, has been caught stealing cattle and is being held prisoner by the Kilcraig of the Kilcraigs, who has promised to return Torquil, but only if Taran goes and gets him in person. So off he goes to get it all sorted before King George rocks up.
The first few chapters are from Taran's point of view, which is where the weird part comes in, because it means he has to describe himself in romantic hero terms. For example, he meets Robert Dunblane, the comptroller of his estate. He knows Dunblane instantly, but Dunblane doesn't recognise him:
It certainly must have been hard for him to recognise the thin boy with wild defiant eyes whom he had last seen fighting back his tears, in the tall, incredibly handsome man of the world who now stood in front of him.
Thanks for that, Taran.
Anyway, Taran and co. go to see the Kilcraig, who is quite cross about Torquil stealing his cattle, but also concerned about a third family, Clan McAuad. Oh, they're bad, the McAuads. Come on. They're really, really bad. You know it. The whole world has to answer right now just to tell you once again who's bad: the McAuads.
So the Kilcraig has come up with a plan. He will send Torquil to Edinburgh to be tried for cattle-stealing, which will bring shame on the McNarns and a likely transportation sentence for Torquil... unless Taran will agree to marry the Kilcraig's only daughter, thus uniting their families against the McAuads. Taran, who likes the ladies and doesn't intend to get married, especially not to a fellow Scot, is horrified, but realises he's in a bit of a bind, so he agrees. This is what he thinks riding home:
Could it be possible that this uncivilised savage, Chief of a Clan of which South of the border nobody had ever heard, should be shrewd enough to humiliate the dashing, much admired sportsman who was a friend of the King?
Entirely possible, Taran, yes. So possible that it just happened.
The reader leaves Taran here, riding home through the heather and hoping aloud that his new wife doesn't have red hair, to meet his soon-to-be bride, whose name is, oh dear, Clola. She drinks champagne and it tastes just like cherry-cola. C-L-O-L-A, Clola. Clola (who doesn't have red hair) has only recently returned to the Highlands herself, having grown up in Edinburgh with her grandmother. She is cultured and educated and is finding Highland life a bit backwards, but she's making the best of it. She didn't approve of her father taking Torquil prisoner, and she's certainly not keen to marry Taran, but she accepts it, hoping that as the Duchess of Strathnarn she will be able to make a difference. To someone.
So they get married, and more or less ignore each other for three days. While Torquil was the Kilcraig's prisoner, he became BFFs with Clola's brother, Hamish, and now that their families are united, the two of them can go fishing together, and they do. Wave them off as they go. Bye, Torquil and Hamish. Don't get up to mischief!
While they are away, there is a storm. This scares Torquil's little brother, Jamie, who comes and gets into bed with Clola, who tells him stories until he goes to sleep. Just then, Taran comes in, wanting to show Clola his best green dressing gown, but he agrees it would be a shame to wake Jamie, so he goes away again. Then there's another knock at the door: Hamish, to say that he and Torquil weren't salmon fishing at all. Since they couldn't steal each other's cattle any more, they had united to steal some McAuad cattle, only to be caught red-handed. Hamish got away, but they are holding Torquil prisoner in their watchtower. Man, Torquil is a liability. Clola knows that Taran will be cross that Torquil has been caught again so soon, so she and Hamish go to the rescue. Hamish rides home to the Kilcraig, while Torquil and Clola sneak back into Castle McNarn. Unfortunately, Taran is awake, and meets them, accusing them of having an affair. Clola goes back to bed, and when she wakes up, Taran has gone to Edinburgh to meet the king.
Back with Taran's point of view, he is surprised to find that all of Edinburgh knows and admires his wife. People regale him with tales of her beauty and brilliance. He regrets not talking to her at all in the week they've been married, but he plans to leave her in the Highlands, while he returns to London. Suddenly, he sees someone who shouldn't be in Edinburgh: Torquil! That's a quote, by the way. Colon, italics, exclamation.
We go back in time, to see what Clola's been up to. Her maid, Mrs Forse, has been giving her a milky, herb drink to help her sleep... for days on end. Eventually she wakes up and realises that she has been moved to a tower. Mrs Forse comes and tells her that she's going to force Clola to jump from the tower as part of an anti-English plot. That makes no sense, but we'll move on. Another part of the anti-English plot is that Mrs Forse's son, Euan, is in Edinburgh, where he plans to shoot the King. Relax, f-list. I have a degree in history, so I know he doesn't succeed. (The visit is real enough, though.) After telling her this, Mrs Forse leaves. Jamie comes up to see Clola, despite being told not to, although I don't know why Mrs Forse would even tell him where she is in the first place. Anyway, Clola tells him to tell Torquil where she is. Torquil comes and frees Clola. Mrs Forse returns, and falls off the tower, after giving us the immortal line: 'They cry oot for vengeance!' And that's the end of her. Torquil rides to Edinburgh, which brings us back to: Torquil!.
Clola recovers from her poisoning, spending time thinking about how she loves her husband, despite the facts that they have never spoken a polite word to each other, and he left after accusing her of having an affair with Torquil. But, joy! Taran returns to say Torquil saved the King, and now Taran loves Clola, and he wants to live in the Highlands and be a proper chieftain to his people. Huzzah!
The end.
I know, it's very sudden. And unsatisfying that we didn't get to see first-hand the action sequence of Torquil saving the King. Also that we never get to the bottom of Clan McAuad. Also that Taran does nothing at all in this book. Poor Torquil is doing all the heavy lifting, and he doesn't even get to be the romantic lead.
Quotes
Clola lists the Kilcraig's good points
'One thing about father, he doesn't often beat us.'
Then she thinks of Taran's good points
... his success on the turf, his experience at driving a phaeton drawn by six horses, his attraction for women.
Hints that your maid is plotting against you
She suddenly chuckled in an evil way.
Clola, talking to Taran
'It is so — magnificent, and larger than I — expected.'
(She's talking about his castle.)
Possibly because the culprits have run out of golf balls.
In other news, I have two weeks off, and after reading all that Serious Literature for the Booker Prize nominations, I thought I would follow it up with something special.
The Chieftain Without a Heart by Dame Barbara Cartland
The watch list
Orphaned heroine with unusual name: Clola Kilcraig. She's not an orphan, although she is motherless.
Who — speaks with — Shatner-esque pauses: Yes. She even manages to put a pause in Thank — You.
Who lives with her titled uncle: No, it's her father, William Kilcraig, The Kilcraig of Clan Kilcraig.
And his unsympathetic wife: No, but her older brother's wife isn't very nice.
Absurdly named hero with aristocratic title: Taran McNarn, Duke of Strathnarn, Marquis of Narn and Chieftain of Clan McNarn.
Female friends of heroine: None. Clola is apparently the only young woman in all of Scotland. She has male friends, though, being close to her brother, Hamish, and to both Taran's nephews.
Male friends of hero who seem more pleasant than he does:Three, and one of them is King George IV.
Hero and heroine united in shared love of a dog: No, it's the Scottish Highlands this time.
Act of vengeance by a bitter former servant: It's a bitter current servant: Clola's maid, Mrs Forse, attempts to poison Clola, as some sort of anti-English plot (given that Clola is not English, this seems particularly poorly thought out on Mrs Forse's part).
Heroine requires rescue from: Being poisoned and forced to jump off a high tower. This rescue is not carried out by the hero, though. Also, Clola herself rescues someone who has been kidnapped and trapped in a completely different tower.
Duels fought: None, even though Clola's father, the Kilcraig, is described as preferring a Claymore to a serious argument.
Book ends with one of the pair recovering in bed: Clola, after the poisoning and jumping.
What the heroine believes the hero's lips give her when they kiss at the end: His lips held her captive and he kissed her until the room seemed to whirl around them and The Castle itself dissolved into the sunlit sky. Like the music that had carried Clola on angels' wings into the sky, she felt that the Duke was carrying her still higher into the heart of the spheres carrying her into a glory and a wonder that was so indescribable that she knew there were no words but only the singing of the stars.'
Diamond-studded snuff boxes mentioned: None.
Never mind these modern novels with multiple view points. Sure, they win awards, but they are so old hat. Dame Barbara Cartland was doing that back in the 1970s. Not very well, admittedly, but she tried. So it is with The Chieftain Without a Heart, which is the thrilling story of a chieftain who doesn't have a heart and the woman who captures the heart he doesn't have. We get to hear both their points of view, which is... kind of weird and unsatisfying.
The story begins with Taran McNarn, Duke of Strathnarn, Marquis of Narn and, unbeknownst to his friends in London, Chieftain of Clan McNarn. Taran ran away from his family's castle in the Highlands when he was sixteen, after a disagreement with his father. He has lived among the sassenachs ever since, and has taken on the attitude of his friends, believing his fellow Scots to be uncivilised barbarians. He was unmoved when his father died and he inherited all those titles. In fact, he planned never to go north again, only to have his plans thwarted by two things. First, George IV decides to go to Edinburgh to meet his people, and wants Taran to go with him. Second, he gets a letter saying that Torquil McNarn, his nephew and heir, has been caught stealing cattle and is being held prisoner by the Kilcraig of the Kilcraigs, who has promised to return Torquil, but only if Taran goes and gets him in person. So off he goes to get it all sorted before King George rocks up.
The first few chapters are from Taran's point of view, which is where the weird part comes in, because it means he has to describe himself in romantic hero terms. For example, he meets Robert Dunblane, the comptroller of his estate. He knows Dunblane instantly, but Dunblane doesn't recognise him:
It certainly must have been hard for him to recognise the thin boy with wild defiant eyes whom he had last seen fighting back his tears, in the tall, incredibly handsome man of the world who now stood in front of him.
Thanks for that, Taran.
Anyway, Taran and co. go to see the Kilcraig, who is quite cross about Torquil stealing his cattle, but also concerned about a third family, Clan McAuad. Oh, they're bad, the McAuads. Come on. They're really, really bad. You know it. The whole world has to answer right now just to tell you once again who's bad: the McAuads.
So the Kilcraig has come up with a plan. He will send Torquil to Edinburgh to be tried for cattle-stealing, which will bring shame on the McNarns and a likely transportation sentence for Torquil... unless Taran will agree to marry the Kilcraig's only daughter, thus uniting their families against the McAuads. Taran, who likes the ladies and doesn't intend to get married, especially not to a fellow Scot, is horrified, but realises he's in a bit of a bind, so he agrees. This is what he thinks riding home:
Could it be possible that this uncivilised savage, Chief of a Clan of which South of the border nobody had ever heard, should be shrewd enough to humiliate the dashing, much admired sportsman who was a friend of the King?
Entirely possible, Taran, yes. So possible that it just happened.
The reader leaves Taran here, riding home through the heather and hoping aloud that his new wife doesn't have red hair, to meet his soon-to-be bride, whose name is, oh dear, Clola. She drinks champagne and it tastes just like cherry-cola. C-L-O-L-A, Clola. Clola (who doesn't have red hair) has only recently returned to the Highlands herself, having grown up in Edinburgh with her grandmother. She is cultured and educated and is finding Highland life a bit backwards, but she's making the best of it. She didn't approve of her father taking Torquil prisoner, and she's certainly not keen to marry Taran, but she accepts it, hoping that as the Duchess of Strathnarn she will be able to make a difference. To someone.
So they get married, and more or less ignore each other for three days. While Torquil was the Kilcraig's prisoner, he became BFFs with Clola's brother, Hamish, and now that their families are united, the two of them can go fishing together, and they do. Wave them off as they go. Bye, Torquil and Hamish. Don't get up to mischief!
While they are away, there is a storm. This scares Torquil's little brother, Jamie, who comes and gets into bed with Clola, who tells him stories until he goes to sleep. Just then, Taran comes in, wanting to show Clola his best green dressing gown, but he agrees it would be a shame to wake Jamie, so he goes away again. Then there's another knock at the door: Hamish, to say that he and Torquil weren't salmon fishing at all. Since they couldn't steal each other's cattle any more, they had united to steal some McAuad cattle, only to be caught red-handed. Hamish got away, but they are holding Torquil prisoner in their watchtower. Man, Torquil is a liability. Clola knows that Taran will be cross that Torquil has been caught again so soon, so she and Hamish go to the rescue. Hamish rides home to the Kilcraig, while Torquil and Clola sneak back into Castle McNarn. Unfortunately, Taran is awake, and meets them, accusing them of having an affair. Clola goes back to bed, and when she wakes up, Taran has gone to Edinburgh to meet the king.
Back with Taran's point of view, he is surprised to find that all of Edinburgh knows and admires his wife. People regale him with tales of her beauty and brilliance. He regrets not talking to her at all in the week they've been married, but he plans to leave her in the Highlands, while he returns to London. Suddenly, he sees someone who shouldn't be in Edinburgh: Torquil! That's a quote, by the way. Colon, italics, exclamation.
We go back in time, to see what Clola's been up to. Her maid, Mrs Forse, has been giving her a milky, herb drink to help her sleep... for days on end. Eventually she wakes up and realises that she has been moved to a tower. Mrs Forse comes and tells her that she's going to force Clola to jump from the tower as part of an anti-English plot. That makes no sense, but we'll move on. Another part of the anti-English plot is that Mrs Forse's son, Euan, is in Edinburgh, where he plans to shoot the King. Relax, f-list. I have a degree in history, so I know he doesn't succeed. (The visit is real enough, though.) After telling her this, Mrs Forse leaves. Jamie comes up to see Clola, despite being told not to, although I don't know why Mrs Forse would even tell him where she is in the first place. Anyway, Clola tells him to tell Torquil where she is. Torquil comes and frees Clola. Mrs Forse returns, and falls off the tower, after giving us the immortal line: 'They cry oot for vengeance!' And that's the end of her. Torquil rides to Edinburgh, which brings us back to: Torquil!.
Clola recovers from her poisoning, spending time thinking about how she loves her husband, despite the facts that they have never spoken a polite word to each other, and he left after accusing her of having an affair with Torquil. But, joy! Taran returns to say Torquil saved the King, and now Taran loves Clola, and he wants to live in the Highlands and be a proper chieftain to his people. Huzzah!
The end.
I know, it's very sudden. And unsatisfying that we didn't get to see first-hand the action sequence of Torquil saving the King. Also that we never get to the bottom of Clan McAuad. Also that Taran does nothing at all in this book. Poor Torquil is doing all the heavy lifting, and he doesn't even get to be the romantic lead.
Quotes
Clola lists the Kilcraig's good points
'One thing about father, he doesn't often beat us.'
Then she thinks of Taran's good points
... his success on the turf, his experience at driving a phaeton drawn by six horses, his attraction for women.
Hints that your maid is plotting against you
She suddenly chuckled in an evil way.
Clola, talking to Taran
'It is so — magnificent, and larger than I — expected.'
(She's talking about his castle.)